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Go, Be Brave

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Struggling against the weight of drowsiness induced by my new medications, I persist in writing my story. However, the gears of my mind seem to have slowed, rendering the task increasingly challenging. Surrendering to exhaustion, I frequently sleep for extended periods these days. Some may argue that this rest is beneficial for my health. Yet, I can't help but wonder—is such an intense treatment necessary to contend with the blend of facts and misunderstandings that occupy my thoughts?

I am determined to absolve my father, mother, and brother from any blame cast upon them in the ongoing blame game surrounding my predicament. Had they indeed been the cause, I would have succumbed to my struggles long ago, particularly during my vulnerable adolescence. Instead, they have consistently served as unwavering support pillars in my life. My father, drawing from his own experiences, sought to shield us from the harsh judgments of society by limiting our relationships with others in his way. In his earnest efforts, my brother has always endeavored to assist me in my career path. Meanwhile, my mother has tirelessly shielded us from harm in her unique manner. It is clear to me that they are not responsible for my declining health. Those who attempt to scapegoat them are merely exploiting their disadvantaged position in the social hierarchy. Just because someone resides in the depths of hardship does not warrant the hurling of additional burdens upon them.

I refuse to accept the label of being a "mental patient" to appease those who would exploit innocent individuals and then attribute their suffering to supposed mental weakness or imagination. This pattern of exploitation has been a constant in my life. In this regard, while my father's approach may have been blunt, it was undeniably honest. He took responsibility for the pain he inflicted upon us, a trait many lack. One must see his virtue among his vice. Instead of acknowledging their ignorance and the harm caused by their unkind words and actions disguised as criticism, they prefer to shift blame onto the perceived weaknesses of others. In truth, their inability to tolerate the success and growth of others stems from their insecurities. Before anything else, they must confront this ugly truth within themselves. One must not deny their vice among their virtues. 

Following the break from life's hardships, when a person begins to relish newfound opportunities, the response from others is often skewed. Instead of recognizing the individual's joy and sharing in their happiness, there's a tendency to label them as show-offs and dampen their spirits amidst a sea of misery. The competition to be the best overshadows the simple act of appreciating the blessings received after enduring difficult times. It's a tragic oversight that stifles the natural inclination to spread joy and celebrate success together.

It's imperative to abandon the notion of constant competition and truly understand an individual. Regardless of whether someone appears to be consistently lucky, it's essential to appreciate their unique journey and story. Every person's experiences and triumphs deserve acknowledgment and admiration, fostering a culture of empathy and genuine appreciation for one another's narratives. One must acknowledge one's ignorant imagination called the rat race. 

​Though I endured a multifaceted trauma in 2016 encompassing physical, emotional, and mental strain, resulting in an imbalance within my mind that necessitated treatment, many seized upon this as an opportunity to label me as someone long overdue in need of counseling and medication without genuinely understanding my ordeal or sharing my experience. I was isolated in my experience, so I was left to ponder what led others to conclude that I required counseling and medication without ever genuinely grasping the depths of my story. 

Undeniably, my mind was clouded by a chemical imbalance, blurring the lines between fact and fiction. With the assistance of medication, I've gained clarity, distinguishing between what is real and what I had misconstrued. Yet, I can't shake the concern that those who urged me to take medication may forever carry the weight of guilt for an incomplete diagnosis. I recognize the difficulty they faced in questioning me about my condition before I began treatment, given my confused state. However, now that I am medicated, they must hear the truth, even if it exceeds their understanding and comprehension. This blog serves as a platform for that revelation. This truth serves as a pathway for us to embark on a healing journey, acknowledging our direct and indirect impacts on each other's lives.

Amid the comprehension challenge, there's a friend whose maturity and understanding surpass that of even those who have known me for longer or hold professional titles. She never sought to judge, fix, dismiss, or steer me but offered hope simply by listening to my story. Her unwavering support made me feel validated and recognize the potential for inexplicable occurrences in one's life, acknowledging that uncovering the complete truth often requires time and healing. For that, I'm genuinely grateful. 

 

I'm not seeking to impose a burden on anyone to aid or alleviate my pain. Instead, I aim for my truth to liberate us all from the weight of guilt. The burden of guilt lies in knowing only the surface of my story and attempting to fix me without understanding the depth of my experiences. That's akin to seeing only the chemical imbalance in my brain while overlooking the trauma embedded within my mind, body, and heart—a narrative that warrants its exploration on another day.

Out of a desire to shield their own family's shortcomings, this individual refrained from countering my mother's simplistic belief that counseling was the solution to my struggles, fearing the implications of acknowledging their role. This act of self-preservation can be deemed selfish, as it involves labeling another person as entirely at fault to avoid confronting one's mistakes. Although direct communication may no longer be feasible, there remains ample opportunity to display courage by reflecting and questioning oneself, considering where a different approach could have facilitated an earlier path to healing for me. My advice would be - to summon the courage to scrutinize your shortcomings, ego, emotional intelligence, and actions that contributed to self and my abuse. I'm not seeking apologies, but a genuine transformation within yourself to prevent others from enduring similar harm.

Go, Be Brave. 

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