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Dark Matters


Amidst my most profound loneliness and bloody illness, I found myself yearning in thoughts for the love of two men who had been lost to me. Regrettably, my thoughts gave way to the news of someone I know who had succumbed to the reprehensible act of inappropriately touching a girl while inebriated. It was a profound realization for me, recognizing my error in disengaging with the lost past and inadvertently thinking unkindly that could be misconstrued as promiscuous.

In the aftermath, I stood by the girl, offering support and solidarity to her well-wisher, assuring them that her feelings of embarrassment and trauma were valid, and promising to keep her ordeal confidential. Despite reaching out for support from elders, I found little solace. I believed the matter had been resolved, only to discover that decades later, it continues to be wielded against me and the person like a venomous weapon. How much longer is enough? Their decision to move on when I sought guidance on how to offer support appears to have been insincere, and because of that, we bore the brunt of the consequences more than necessary. It felt akin to executing someone for a theft.

Since then, I've endured instances of inappropriate touching from men who should have regarded me as a sister, daughter, or trusted friend. Initially, I dismissed it, attributing it to occasional sexual awkwardness between adults, and opted to give them another chance. However, it seemed I was alone in this mindset. Despite not experiencing any inappropriate behavior again, I began to feel diminished and isolated. The women around me appeared inexplicably angry, leaving me uncertain, unable to discern whether my perceptions were valid or merely imagined. Gradually, I understood that their guilt, wounded egos, or resentment from rejected advances led them to manipulate their circle of women against me. It dawned on me that this is how certain men maintain an appearance of innocence while engaging in political maneuvers.


As I delved into introspection, I was given a chance to imagine and express my inexpressible pain by M. I contemplated how I wished to perceive the maternal eyes in my life. I longed for the divine protective energy of a mother within myself to shield me from the sense of helplessness that often accompanies victimhood. Unbeknownst to me, this expression led me to cast all men as aggressors inadvertently.

I came to understand that while I had some valid reasons to see myself in a particular light, I was also guilty of stereotyping men, allowing my perspective to become clouded by ego and judgment. My eyes were imbalanced, skewed as the right and incorrect views. 


It dawned on me that I was repeating the same error as those who inflicted pain upon me with their misguided attitudes over the years. Just like them, I had been viewing myself as a woman, a superior, and others, men, as inferior. Determined to rectify this, I resolved to adjust my perspective while safeguarding the integrity of my rightful viewpoint. Thus began the process of balancing my inner equilibrium.

To address this, I needed to delve into the subconscious reasons behind my subconscious mistrust of men despite consciously viewing them as equals. My initial step was to reconcile the divide within my consciousness.

I realized that my mistrust stemmed from my own experiences and the countless stories of individuals enduring indescribable pain and darkness and having their voices suppressed, treated merely as objects by specific segments of society. It became apparent that those with influence often escape accountability for their mistreatment, while those without influence are condemned to suffer for even the slightest transgression. Despite my support for someone else standing up against someone I know, I lacked the same support in times of mistreatment.

It became evident that men also harbor fault in their perception of women. They, too, possess an imbalance in their vision, viewing women through a lens that unfairly labels them as promiscuous or "sluts."

That's when the most painful and traumatic event unfolded in 2017. The suppression, false judgment, dark news, wrong societal views, and much more, including dark fears of experiencing rape and perceiving men as potential rapists, made me sexually closed to him and suppressed; So, he transformed into one, leading me through that horrifying ordeal. Confronted with the ugliness of rape, it sent both of us spiraling through a tumult of emotions. It was unforeseen, unplanned, yet it ultimately shed light on the reality of rape. His deepest fear of viewing me as promiscuous was now being realized, and I found myself guiding him through that fear. 

This unleashed a torrent of suppressed emotions within me. Rape, in any form, including his actions, is fundamentally wrong on multiple levels. The issue of marital rape is often ignored or swept under the rug, leaving couples to grapple with intense emotions without addressing them, leading to distance and eventual loss of love.

Both of us have been deeply traumatized by this experience, and we vow never to let it happen again. Recognizing the significance of open communication, I understand the importance of expressing my fears regarding intimacy and men, just as he must articulate his fears of losing or judging me unfairly. I find myself struggling at times, using my marital trauma as a weapon when I feel unloved by him. I inadvertently make him feel guilty for his past actions. Deep down, I understand that this isn't the right approach. I shouldn't seek to control or keep him on a tight leash. I must make a choice: either let him go, pursue legal action, or forgive him—opting for a fair and just decision and promoting healing for both of us.

There is still so much for us to discover and understand together. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Although small, delicate, light, and flickering, I still have love and hope inside of me. Many in this world do not have that light, both the victims and the remorse. While justice is imperative for those who commit actual heinous acts of rape, fostering a culture of correction with empathy and understanding is equally vital, especially for innocent or remorseful sexual awkwardnesses or encounters. It's crucial not to subject anyone, be it the victim, the remorse, or the family of any, to harassment for their actions after a sound decision, forcing them to suppress their voice, healing, growth, feelings, and pain and remain burdened with guilt indefinitely. My fault was that although it was correct that I stood by the victim, I failed to learn the equal importance of healing the remorse from the pain of their act, standing up against unnecessary decades of punishment, over-the-top judgment, especially of their sexual preferences and making it public, labeling them as low and cheap in the society, mistreatment, and consequences that led to their unfair suppression. 


I hope both parties learn, heal, move on, and grow. If their angst still can't be cooled, I hope my karma gives them freedom. 

For those who have been subject to the actual heinous act of rape, I hope they find justice, heal and have their voice heard. The guilty find remorse, take accountability for their actions, and face the lawful decision with awareness of what they did. I hope the Psychologists and Teachers strengthen in this matter and the influential people stop taking sides, shaming, or blaming and recognize it takes a village to raise not just one child but all.  

I end this writing with a heavy heart because I'm still struggling to comprehend the depth of this dark matter: the dark energies that torment the victim and the perpetrator under its control. 

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