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The Decay


Though he and I united, my affection for my past lingered. I yearned for their presence despite our coming together. They were granted in this realm of desires, yet the truth unfolded differently.

The inquiry revolved around what would foster a sense of belonging for them. The initial suggestion was distance, acknowledging that constant proximity can lead to suffocation. Thus, I was relocated to a distant place. However, despite this change, no difference was observed.

Subsequently, my mental well-being deteriorated significantly, leading to illness. It's often said that illness can bring people together, yet in my experience, such unity failed to materialize.

Gradually, my physical appearance began to decline. The medication caused weight gain, altering the shape of my face and affecting my teeth. What was once considered charming now appeared as a visage devoid of its former allure. The once vibrant persona now seems the most lackluster. Those who may have felt intimidated by my presence could have reappeared now that I no longer outshine anyone. However, no one came forward.

Subsequently, I settled for the most mundane jobs, conforming to what was expected of me after they lamented the lack of it in my life. Yet, no one seemed to take notice or care.

Despite the stark contrasts between us, I believed that reaching out to them would spark change, especially now that I no longer embodied the aspects of myself that they once complained about, having molded myself to fit their expectations. However, it dawned on me that my efforts were futile, as they remained indifferent to my changes.

Once again, I was struck by the harsh reality of being orphaned in this country. Despite the pain, I maintained my belief in them. However, their last question and subsequent response shocked me. They hadn't anticipated my visit nor expressed concern when I fainted at work. They said it didn't bother them. That marked the definitive end of our relationship. When someone is so transparent about their indifference towards me, it becomes clear that it's time for all of us to part ways.

I couldn't help but question the facade that had persisted for years. Why pretend to be upset when I don't meet them if they never honestly care? Why couldn't they have been honest about their feelings all these years? There was a time when they mentioned that they didn't care, So I chose to withdraw and maintain my distance. Yet, they didn't respect my boundaries and celebrated my birthday, leaving me wondering if it was all just an act. Their confusing and contradictory thoughts and actions only added to the decline in my health. It's perplexing to be misled without a clear intent. The mixture of complaints and compliments now seems like nothing more than a façade to keep me at a distance. Perhaps it's not personal; they don't want to share their success or allow others to enjoy the fruits of their hard work. Whatever the reason, honesty would have spared me from the external pressures I now face.

The performance of false emotions muddles the perception of genuine love and care. Despite the confusion, I still believe they are inherently loving individuals who genuinely cared for me at one point. It's just that I failed to recognize the decay beneath the surface. So, I left with nothing but those genuine memories. 

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