"I can only wish for myself; I have always yearned to experience love, intimacy, and the essence of life in its truest form, alongside restoring my house like St. Francis of Assisi."
Truth Without Love is unbearable.
In the quiet recesses of my mind, memories lay dormant, waiting to be stirred. In the hazy summer of 2011, I first encountered him, a mere figment of my dreams, yet a friend nonetheless. Our connection was fleeting, lost amidst the hustle and bustle of waking life. But unbeknownst to me, he lingered, his presence weaving through the fabric of my subconscious. He morphed into the shadow and then Arjuna, a mysterious silhouette at the edges of my consciousness as far back as memory served.
Years passed, and I moved through the motions of everyday existence, oblivious to the threads of fate drawing us closer together. Then, in the digital realm of social media, his image flickered into view, disrupting the tranquil surface of my life. A sudden jolt of recognition electrified my senses, igniting forgotten sparks within my soul.
In the depths of my slumber, dreams morphed into surreal landscapes where reality blurred, and desires ran rampant. Amidst the lush foliage of an unknown jungle, I found myself kissing him. Naked and vulnerable, yet liberated, a solitary white flower adorning my head as a symbol of our ephemeral connection.
A simple gesture—a namaste greeted his picture—unleashed a torrent of emotions later on as I struggled to comprehend. With each passing moment, the line between imagination and reality blurred, and I found myself ensnared in the tantalizing allure of his presence.
But reality, as it often does, cast a shadow over my life. I reached out for him in the tumultuous whirlpool of life in Puerta Vallarta, calling his name into the abyss of uncertainty. Yet, he remained elusive, a distant beacon of love adrift in the vast expanse of possibility.
He became the embodiment of unrequited longing—a phantom haunting the corridors of my heart. Whether entwined in the arms of another or lost in the pursuit of our desires, the truth remained unchanged: we were dancing shadows but not each other yet to hold.
And so, I navigated the labyrinth of my emotions, clinging to fragments of reality, dreams, and memories, each a testament to the bittersweet dance of truth, love, and longing. I carried the truth of our connection in the depths of my being, a flame flickering in the darkness, guiding me towards an uncertain future where there is truth but no love.
Caught in the tumultuous whirlwind of emotions, I oscillated between the erratic beats of my heart, torn between Truth and Love. It pained me to witness others drawn into the orbit of his love, unaware of the harsh realities veiled beneath the surface. They sacrificed pieces of themselves at the altar of affection, blind to the truth that eluded even him.
In the intimacy we shared, I felt the weight of uncertainty pressing upon me, suffocating my hopes and dreams. Our bodies intertwined in a dance of passion, yet I couldn't shake the lingering doubt that clouded my mind. Was he genuinely lost in the labyrinth of his own emotions, torn between conflicting desires? Or was his heart closed off to me, barricaded behind walls I couldn't breach?
As I grappled with these questions, I couldn't help but feel sorrow for those who unknowingly tread the path of love without the guiding light of truth. They basked in the warmth of his affection, unaware of the shadows lurking just beyond the glow. And he, too, remained oblivious to the tangled web of emotions ensnaring them all.
I realized love had become a delicate balance between truth and deception, a fragile illusion woven from half-truths and unspoken desires. And amidst it all, I struggled to find my footing, yearning for a love that transcended the confines of uncertainty and falsehood.
Shattered Illusions
A tremor of anticipation rippled through my veins when I whispered the words. With bated breath, I watched as he reached for his phone, fingers poised to capture a fleeting moment of intimacy and connection. But as the screen illuminated with the image he chose to immortalize, my heart plummeted into disillusionment.
There, staring back at me from the digital canvas, was not my face but that of another—a stark reminder of the truth I had been too afraid to acknowledge. In that instant, the veil of denial was torn, revealing the painful reality beneath the surface.
It was a bitter pill to swallow, this realization that my love had been misplaced, my trust betrayed. And yet, in the stark light of truth, I found a glimmer of clarity amidst the wreckage of my shattered illusions.
As painful as it was to confront the harsh realities of their situation, it was liberating—a beacon of honesty amidst a sea of deception. And though the wounds inflicted by his actions ran deep, I found solace in knowing that I was finally free from the shackles of my denial.
In that moment of reckoning, I understood that truth was the only path to true liberation, no matter how painful without love. And as I gazed upon the image that now mocked me from the screen, I whispered a silent vow to myself—a promise to never again allow myself to be blinded by the illusion of love.
It's not about winning
In the depths of my contemplation, I grappled with a dilemma that seemed to tug at the very fabric of my being. Should he, consumed by the fervor of his blind affection, emerge victorious in the battle for love's elusive embrace? Or should the harsh light of truth pierce through the veils of deception, revealing the stark realities hidden beneath the surface?
As I pondered this existential quandary, I couldn't shake the sinking feeling that a heavy toll would be exacted upon them all, regardless of the outcome. For truth, unadorned and unyielding, held within its grasp a weight that threatened to crush even the most vital spirits. And yet, love, stripped of its foundation in honesty and transparency, remained a hollow shell devoid of the sustenance needed to thrive.
In this delicate dance between the heart and the mind, I found myself ensnared in the throes of uncertainty, grappling with the repercussions of each possible path. To witness love triumph over truth would be to resign everyone to a world shrouded in illusion and falsehood, where the bonds of affection were forged upon shaky ground. And yet, to confront love with the harsh realities of their situation would be to risk shattering the fragile facade of everyone's connection, leaving all adrift in a sea of disillusionment and despair.
In the end, I realized there were no easy answers, no clear-cut resolutions to be found in the labyrinth of love and truth. And so, I resigned myself to the painful truth that regardless of their path, they would all be destined to lose something precious. Truth without love was a burden too heavy to bear, and love without truth was a hollow echo of what could have been.
Don't Let it shatter you.
If he is the Innocent, I'm the Pure
If he is the Slut, I'm the Sluttier
If he is the Bad, I'm the Worse
If he is the Good, I'm the Better
If he is the Truth, I'm the Love
However, I don't wish to impose my Truth and Love onto anyone or him. Individuals should be free to discover their own Truth and Love, liberating themselves and others from any bondage. If he or someone desires intimacy, let them pursue it with whomever they choose, and I hope it is reciprocated with the sweetness of Truth.